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Today's Toons 3/15/10

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Posted on: Mar 15
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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Academy Award nominees were ordered not to thank anyone during their acceptance speeches Sunday. It's no secret why. Hollywood is so liberal that it's trying to convey the impression that anything good that happens is caused by a government program.

Congressman Pete Stark declined to chair the Ways and Means Committee Friday. He's next in line but there's too much old videotape of him spewing anti-business and anti-war venom. He could retire on the royalties from his Michael Moore movies alone.

President Obama went on America's Most Wanted Saturday to celebrate the series' one-thousandth episode. It's only right. For ten years America's Most Wanted has helped tracked down criminals and Saturday's show was devoted to Illinois politicians.

President Obama named a judge to sit on the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals whose brother is a U.S. congressman undecided on his health care reform vote. This came on the heels of the Louisiana, Florida and Nebraska bribes. The electricity bill at the White House has tripled since the Chicago Machine started running in the basement.

President Obama met with ten House Democrats opposed to the health care bill. He did all he could to get their votes. He promised to campaign for them in their districts and when that didn't work, he threatened to campaign for them in their districts.

The White House haggled with moderate Democrats opposed to health care reform Monday. It marked the one-year anniversary of the president's health care push. A year ago he was promising quality affordable health care for all Americans, and today he's promising to quit smoking eventually and do something about his cholesterol.

Iraqis voted by the millions in Iraq's parliamentary elections Sunday, ignoring bomb and grenade attacks. It could have been worse. Thousands of lives were saved after both Sunnis and Shiites agreed not to make health care reform an election issue.

U.S. Rep. Eric Massa said Democrats ran him out of Congress because he is opposed to health care reform. He wanted to stay. He was accused of making sexual advances on a male staffer but it just wasn't enough to save his career in the Democratic Party.

President Obama will not be attending Washington D.C.'s annual Gridiron Dinner roast next week. Bill Clinton was invited to take his place. Traditionally the U.S. president is the guest of honor but there comes a point when you have to sell tickets.

Democrat Eric Massa says Rahm Emanuel stormed into the House gym shower naked and badgered him to vote for the president's budget. The congressmen was under investigation for groping three male staffers. Rahm Emanuel does a lot of research in order to find out how to give each congressman what he wants in exchange for his vote.

Dan Rather told Chris Matthews Saturday that if the White House can't get health care passed, people will say President Obama couldn't sell watermelons on the roadside if a state trooper was stopping traffic for him. It offended many. The idea of cops pulling people over for no reason is still a sore subject in the black community.

President Obama gave House and Senate Democratic leaders a legislative deadline Monday, saying he wants the health care reform bill passed in ten days, before he leaves for Indonesia and Australia. He's flying away on Easter. That's what saviors do.

The White House was reported by ESPN Tuesday to be considering banning sport fishing in America. It's a smart move. He's beginning to understand that the only way he can get reelected is if New York and California are the only two states left in the union.

The White House said Wednesday that passing health care reform will reduce the deficit. Critics say it'd he an expensive cradle-to-grave welfare system just like in France. The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State building after taxes.

Chief Justice John Roberts slammed President Obama for criticizing the Supreme Court in the State of the Union address. The president showed no respect for the justices. As far as he's concerned, any government employee who's not in a union is an enemy of the people.

-- Argus Hamilton

Just two days after being told by his doctor to cut down on his cholesterol, President Obama went to a Savannah restaurant and had a meal that included fried chicken and blueberry pudding. That’s why he’s in favor of healthcare, he’s going to need it.

As you know, this year they expanded the Best Picture category to include 10 films. In fact, even the death montage was expanded to include President Obama’s healthcare program.

Democratic Majority Leader Sen. Harry Reid says that it’s good news that only 36,000 jobs were lost in February. Think of how happy he’ll be in November when he loses his job.

New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it’s not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it’s Eric Massa trying to get in your pants.

-- Leno

Yes, they have two hosts this year for the Academy Awards. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?

Two years ago this week, former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned. Luckily, we had a qualified backup to step right in, so everything is fine now.

We had a lousy audience last night. You couldn’t tell if they were laughing at the jokes or if they were being tickled by Eric Massa.

Congressman Massa has admitted to groping, fondling, and tickling. Why isn’t this guy governor of New York?

-- Letterman

President Obama is going to hold a major “space conference” to unveil an ambitious new plan for NASA. Obama called it “One small step for man, one giant distraction from healthcare, two wars and the recession.”

Yesterday, President Obama hosted the Alabama Crimson Tide football team at the White House. At one point, the quarterback threw a football to Obama, which was the first time in his presidency that anything has gotten passed.

-- Jimmy Fallon

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In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected."

Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Obama spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama.

"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

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Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures. Here are three from the Bat Family ... without the need for resorting to fiction.

Sucker-Footed Bat

Red-Winged Fruit Bat

Left-Winged Ding Bat

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A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more..

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas

drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though.".

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Political Cryptogram

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